It's so weird how in just one week living in a different enviroment can change your outlook on things.....I just got back from myrtle beach (it was for a dance competition) and I realized so many things about my personality and just life itself... Heres a few things I realized -I get so desperate to the point where i end up embarassing myself trying to get a guys attention. -I'm a very jealous person. -I care about other peoples feelings alot more then I realized. -I need attention from other people to make myself feel loved. What I need to change -I'm NOT going to be desperate. I'm just gonna let things come to me. "Things" meaning a relationship with a guy. -I'm NOT going to get down from a guy telling me I'm ugly or not paying any attention to me. I'm just gonna shake my head..call him an ass and move on. And not just sit there and think about it and just think about how ugly I am.

I went to borders yesterday...it was fun. I love that store! I got two new CDs and a polka dotted tote! But yeah I got that new Anna Nalick CD gosh I love ALL the songs on it!!!! Well I had like a breakdown last night. Just a crying breakdown though. I was going through my closet and everything in it either didn't fit, is too hot for summer, or just wasn't who I am anymore. Then I started getting frusterated with myself and I grabbed everything in my closet and started to throw it on the floor then I started crying. I have nothing in my closet that I can say is ME anymore. I hate it. I sound like a little baby...blah blah I need to go shopping blah blah blah. I'm such a wimp. ARGH

Some people get on my nerves so bad I just want to like take the warning labels off of everything and let nature take its course. This girl is so STUPID! omg.

Last night was so weird. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling panic-y and I was shaking and felt dizzy. I started crying uncontrolbly. I think I had a panic attack. It was really scary I mean I felt like I was in control of my body it wasn't like a seizure or anything but my heart was racing and I was feeling paniced and dizzy. It was really weird. I also was getting like these hot flashes and stuff. Gosh im a freak....and my mom made fun of me which was the worst part. I woke her up cause I didn't know what was wrong with me and she was like "EMILY CALM DOWN! Its all in your head..HOW OLD ARE YOU? JUST GO BACK TO BED!" It was terrible. Just talking about it makes me feel like im going to cry cause my mom thinks i just made it all up or something it was so stupid! What is wrong with me? Seriously. Do you consider that a panic attack? Feeling dizzy, your heart racing, shaking, crying, hot flashes and just feeling panicy.


I hate this.


Ok well I looked it up on the internet and heres what I found. (I underlined all the things that I feel)

A panic attack sometimes referred to as an anxiety attack can be a very terrifying experience.

Often a person can experience a panic attack out of the blue for no particular reason. Many people report different symptoms during a panic attack. The most common are:

-Palpitations,
-a pounding heart, or an accelerated heart rate
-Sweating
-Trembling or shaking
-Shortness of breath
-A choking sensation
-Chest pain or discomfort
-Nausea or stomach cramps
-A feeling of being dizzy,
-unsteady,
-lightheaded, or faint
-Derealization (a feeling of unreality)
-or depersonalization (a feeling of being detached from oneself)
-Fear of losing control or going crazy
-Fear of dying Numbness or a tingling sensation
-Chills or hot flashes

These are some of the possible symptoms of a panic or anxiety attack but what does it feel like to experience one ?

Usually a panic attack begins with an unusual bodily sensation from the list above. The person then reacts with fear that the symptoms are indicators of a much more serious threat and in turn reacts with more fear which escalates into a state of heightened anxiety and panic. A vicious cycle of panic and fear can begin.

Typical situations people report having a panic or anxiety attack are:

• Driving
• Airplanes
• Crowded areas
• At Night

Usually it is situation where they feel they cannot exit easily from, such as a meeting, at the cinema or even in the hairdressers. Others can experience an episode of anxiety for no apparent reason while at home or in the middle of sleep.

I also read some other stuff about it and it was all stuff i've felt. I wonder if those little episodes I have really are panic attacks? I had a REALLY bad one in a movie theater when i was like 11. Is that normal to have it that young? my mom just thought it was low blood sugar but when i ate it didnt help and i was so afraid. I get them at dance competitions, hallways at school, malls, and now in the middle of the night. Now its starting to make sense. But if I told my mom that she would be like emily you are fine your just making yourself think you have it! Which is so annoying. I can't tell her anything.

Well my mom is having a rough time lately. She just found out from me that her sister is having twins. Her own sister hasn't talked to her in like 3 years and she lives 30 min away. Whats up with that? And the only way my mom found out that she was having twins was from rodney telling me. It's sad. And ok would you talk to the person that sexually abused you your whole childhood? well yeah my moms sister was sexually, and verbally abused by their father. They had like a pack that they would never have anything to do with him to protect us. So he would never hurt us. My moms sister 3 years ago started talking to him again and now she visits him like its no big deal. HELLO THIS MAN RUINED YOUR LIFE!!! But my moms like whatever its your decision and now my moms sister wont talk to her anymore cause she thinks my mom is going to judge her. Its so stupid. My mom actually wants to know you know whats going on in her life and stuff so my mom took a big step and invited her to my brothers graduation party. She probably won't show up but its pretty brave of my mom. See this is why my mom is so nice but yet over protective with us. She had a horrible life growing up. A father who verbally abused her, sexually and verbally abused her sister and brother and was an alcohalic. My moms mom tryed to get them out of the situation but he said she would kill her if she ever left him so they stayed...scared out of their minds. My moms mom died recently from lung cancer (she smoked heavily) and my mom was so upset because she wish it could have been her dad that died so she would be able to have a normal life with her mother.

I have nothing to complain about.

Sometimes I feel like things will never change..my low self esteem will never change, my secrets will never change, and the way people see me will never change. But I want to change so bad and I'm not afraid of it! I want to be able to walk down the hallway with thousands of people and not feel dizzy. I want to be able to confront people without a panic attack. I want to not worry so freakin much. I want to be able to get through one night without feeling sorry for myself. My life is perfect and I have NO reason to be so sad, stressed and upset. We have tons of money, a nice house, I have a great family, I live in a safe neighborhood, I get the privilege to be able to take 9 dance classes a week, and I don't have a disability. I have nothing to be sad about. I'm ugly, I don't get perfect grades, and I have panic attacks but thats nothing people have it SO much worse. Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. It's stupid.

Well here I am a school....bored to tears and sad. One of my teachers was saying how its only 3 more years til we are a senior you know what that means...once I graduate no more dance studio...3 years my life is gonna stop. :( I love that dance studio SO much and I don't ever want to stop dancing. I'm going to be so sad on my last recital I'm just gonna cry the whole day.

Yes, thats right I have time to write in here now cause I have an hour and a half computer class in the mornings! Wow its crazy coming back here...I see I need to update a few things so I'm gonna go and I'll probably write more later!

Well I think this is sayin goodbye to blogdrive and all my blogdrive friends. I don't have time to write in here anymore and this weekend is going to be crazy and so will this whole year so I think I'll write once we are out of school or on christmas break I know this is a  long time but I have a lot more things I have to do now not just with school... theres a lot of things going on that i can't write about theres just too much now so bye Erica, Dan Yella, Nafeesha and all my other bloggers.


By the way my birthday is on Saturday.

Yes we have what they call a "spirit week" the whole week you get to dress up as different things. Yes i did do the britney spears thing. i was brave and im proud of myself! I can show you a picture of it on the school website!! lol yes the school website im on there 2 times already and he took a picture of me today so it might be up there today. ill have to check at 5:30 then ill post the website url. but yeah for opposite day rodney was gonna give me some of his "skater clothes" an Element shirt and a hat that says skateboarding is not a crime. hopefully he will remember and hopefully i can get it early enough in the morning so i can get my picture taken again. Ill be all over the website and the yearbook! i just need to find some pants i can wear. i dont wanna wear rodneys pants cause hes my cousin and i dont know thats just going to far. i might have some pants that are too baggy on me in the back of my drawers. ok well im gonna go and call some people.